Behind The Eyes
Some ideas are expressed more clearly in written form than they are orally. But some words are better left unsaid and unwritten.
There are times when thoughts should be left deep in the silence of our minds rather than spoken out loud. We’ve all experienced moments when, as soon as the words left our mouths, we wished we could take them back.
Then there are times when the ideas in our minds remain unspoken, and they could have saved a life, made a difference, repaired a relationship, or mended a heart. This is the tragedy of silence. When should we speak in a crowded world of words? When should we surrender to the spoken word?
Sometimes I feel like I am the only person on earth who has a consistent conversation with my subconscious and who battles with unspoken words. I wake up at three a.m. and listen to the words deep in my soul, having a complete conversation back and forth. I know you may think that I’m crazy, and to some degree, I will not argue that point.
I have surrendered to knowing my true self, and if that means having an internal dialogue that is not intended for anyone but me, then so be it. All of my stories are written in the silence of my mind before any typing begins. Even as I write now, I am deciding what to write down and what to leave out. It’s an active conversation going on between me and my hands.
The words that are deep in my mind may never make it to the pages and to the ears that may or may not need to hear or read those words. It’s the life I live, and I am happy in it.
This story may sound like it’s about my abusers, but it's not. The truth is simple: It’s not you, it’s me. These are my words alone, not yours. I don’t replay your glances, your tone, your abuse, your cruelty, or even your words. If you were alive, I’m not sure if I would share the thoughts that reside so deeply within my soul.
The darkness, pain, suffering, and unrelenting battle within my soul are something I long to escape. No, you will never hear the words. Even now, long after you are gone, the effects of your words, your torture, and your evil presence remain visible in me. I will never repeat the words you spoke to me; I will never speak of the pain you have caused me.
I will write them as they are life to me; they break the strongholds that have bound me for many years. These words, while simple in nature, are powerful, never said but written. These words are life!
The existential words that I hear may only be for me. The conversations give purpose, reason, and direction. Even now, the struggle to write the exact words is a battle. As you have already seen in this story alone, some words made it to the page that may not have ever made it out of the darkness of my mind. They were shouting to get out, so I let them out. It’s my choice in the end. There are more, and maybe one day I will be able to express them.
This story was born from the deep, unspoken conversations in my mind. When those thoughts are finally spoken in confidence or typed out, they become a part of my healing journey. At my age, I continually ask myself what needs to be healed and why I even need to type these stories out. Yet I know that each word and each back-and-forth conversation in my mind brings another day of living, another day of peace, and another day of loving. There was a time when I didn’t understand how to love myself or accept love from others. This is an ongoing struggle for me. Some will get this and some will not, and that’s okay. Each sentence adds minutes to my life; every story adds months to my life; and every book brings years to me.
My writing is not about me and my journey. I want others to see these conversations and know it’s okay to have your own contemplations in your mind. You will make it. Don’t quit.
I’ve left this story alone for weeks now, buried deep in my soul, not sure of the direction or even the message that was evolving. Along the way, I’ve lost so many friends to these silent battles when they became consumed by the lies they told themselves, so I want to be cautious as I bring this to a close.
The unwritten and unspoken conversations behind closed eyelids have to happen; it’s okay. Give yourself grace to speak freely and the strength to voice the unspoken and feel the unwanted. It’s difficult, but it’s a beautiful way to reconnect with your inner self and nurture your mental and emotional well-being. This grace you give yourself leads to healing and enriches your life in so many ways. These words, spoken or unspoken, will bring you peace and add years to your life. I would be remiss if I didn’t advise you: seek professional help if you need it. It’s okay.
You all know I am extremely transparent about my therapy. Not that long ago, the voices became so loud and destructive that I didn’t think I would make it. I was so close that looking back now it still makes me tremble and shakes me to my core. That’s why I’m being vulnerable right now so that you might take a different course. Don’t quit! This world needs you, and your purpose is real. You can make a difference with your words, spoken or unspoken. A smile, a hug, a glance, or a comment can change the course of someone’s life.
You never know what the conversation is or will be until you speak from behind your eyes. Spoken or not spoken. It’s silence that brings the end.
