To My Dad

 To My Dad:

This is a continuation of my “to my” stories. This one may be abstract because I can’t see the person I’m talking about; I can’t see him as a daddy at all. I can’t see him as a man whom I was born after; I can’t even see him as a person. Memories are the foundational development of who we are as humans. This story has come to me after more than two years, visiting a wonderful therapist. 

If you read some of my backstories, you will see that I have been constantly growing into who I am at age sixty-one. Who would have thought? Some have asked me why I go to therapy. Why don’t you just let it go? Why put yourself through this? What is your end goal here? My answer is simple; I want freedom, and I want peace in every area of my life. Each story I write releases a part of me that has been in chains for years. I have to release these stories.

I want to leave a legacy in words for those who will come after me. I want those who have fallen to my plight to be encouraged that there is hope. You can live a life full of peace and happiness and a life full of love. It is possible to not know where you came from, but to know there is hope. There is love that is born out of not knowing who loved you first. So with that, here it goes, “to my dad.” 

To My Dad: I knew you but never knew you! You never gave me a chance to know you. You left me too soon. Before I could understand who you were, you left me. You left me! I am feeling anger and sadness in writing this. 

To My Dad: What hurts me the most is I don’t remember ever saying the word, “daddy.” That may have been the very first word out of my mouth. The first word I learned may have been “daddy.” I’m just not sure. I have no memory of those early years.

To My Dad: I needed a protector later in my childhood, and you were already gone. I was being tortured, and you were nowhere to be found. Where were you? I needed you so much, but you were never there. I was beaten and left for dead more than once; I needed you! Why did you leave me? 

To My Dad: When I cried, you were not there to comfort me. I was in tears, and you were already gone. You never saw me cry, never saw my tears, never heard my voice of helplessness. In the darkness, I needed my daddy, but you were gone. I can’t say you didn’t care, but you just couldn’t give what I needed. All I needed was to be loved. That’s all I ever wanted. 

To My Dad: You never saw me play ball at the park; you never saw me off to school; you never met my teachers; and you never helped me with my homework. I know you had something that you could have imparted to me, but I missed all of that because you left too soon. 

To My Dad: You would have been a great granddaddy! My grandchildren would have loved to have known you, but they don’t even know your name. They never ask who their great granddaddy is. This is so sad, and it makes me cry when I think about it. They would have loved your presence and your love that you could have shared with them.

To My Dad: I hope that at some point in your life you called on the God of hope to help you through the struggles you were having. Now I know they were so heavy on you that life itself escaped you. The struggle ultimately took your life and part of mine as well. 

To My Dad: I never got a hug from you; I never got a kiss from you; I never got a “I love you” from you. I think that’s why it made me want to love my girls even more. I missed all of this because you decided it was just too much for you. It seems selfish, but I wasn’t in your struggle as an active player. 

To My Dad: I needed rescuing, and you were already gone. What was I to do and feel beside your casket at the age of twelve? They had already removed me at age five, in and out of this torturous life. Seven years had gone by, and I cried every night since you left me with this evil step. I dare don’t call him father as he had no father qualities. This man was so evil and wanted nothing but death for me and my siblings. The system was and is broken, as it put me in and out of human danger until I was old enough to protect myself. 

To My Dad: I will never be sure why, but one thing is certain, you gave me life, and for that I am thankful. It has not been an easy road, but it has been a road none the less. I am thankful that at some point you actually loved my mom. I am thankful that at some point you may have said, “I love you,” and kissed me. I am thankful that God placed you on this planet to have a part in my life. I am thankful that you may have cared for me at some point in my life. You may not have been the best father, but you are still my father. Today If I could speak to you, I would tell you I love you and forgive you.

To My Dad: I can see now that there was so much on you that you felt you had no choice but to end it all. That seems to follow me in my life, but I’m determined not to follow you, as I love this life way too much. There is so much more to give. I want to bring hope, joy, and love to my grandchildren, my daughters, my son-in-loves, and my wonderful love of over forty years now, my sweet Lisa. 

To My Dad: So, when I visit your grave these days, I just say, “thank you.” Thank you for creating me; thank you for the part you played in my life. Thank you with tears. I miss you, Daddy, and I truly love you!  

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