Sunday, October 10, 2021

Perspective

 At almost 60 years old I thought I would be experiencing peace, joy, happiness, love and all the other great things in life. These things I have experienced in the past. Over the past 2 years terror has invaded my soul and my mind and has brought to me many sleepless nights and thoughts of dying are ever so close. Trauma from early childhood experiences has resurfaced with a vengeance and is desperate to take over my mind and put my soul to rest for good. 


The memories are so intrusive that they come at any moment, the pain is real and the experiences are just like yesterday. I can feel the pain and feel the hits, my head jars and my body moves with motions of the torture. It’s not just abuse, it’s not just a hit to the head or to the gut, or getting up off the floor just to be there again. Sometimes I would just lay there and act as if I couldn’t get up, that would often come with a kick to the head or stomach, but worth it not to get knocked down again. Seeing those legs and shoes turn into a different direction walking away was a relief. I would say in my mind, “it’s over for now.”


So, what am I saying in writing this out. One is, it brings my memories to life, out in the open so to speak, they have been in hiding for so many years. I’ve referred to them as an invisible soul, it drives you and can kill you if you let it take over. I know it sounds a bit psychotic indeed but the reality is your memories can kill you. I know of so many that have let their past destroy them. I’ve been thinking a great deal about them lately. 


I had a dream a few weeks ago and as I sat on the end of the bed with the gun in my hand I found it hard not to pull the trigger. It was so real, I was out of my body watching the event unfold. I could see me getting up walking towards the gun, getting the gun in my hand, I found myself staring at it wondering was this it? Is this how it’s going to end? Then waking up, I was asking myself, “was that real?” I even looked for the gun to make sure it wasn’t moved. It had not been. My sweet Lisa has since move the gun. 


As the “flash backs” and thoughts of harming myself got worse I sought help! I just happened to have a friend who is a wonderful therapist. She agreed to see me, Lisa went along with me as I thought it important that after 37 years of marriage we are in this together. I had shared what was going on with Lisa before seeking help. She was in agreement that we needed some help. 


The first session was not weird at all, as I knew my therapist and had often joked when I saw her that I was in need of a “session.” We sat down and her first question was, ”when was the last time you were in therapy?”  She already knew some of my story but to the depths that she would soon learn. I told her it had been more than 40 years since my last session. She ask me, so what’s been going on? My response was the above. I told her, “It seems that I’m not getting through this and not sure if I will.” “Tell me more about what’s going on George” she said. These words echoed in my soul as I had not heard that question in more than 40 years.


After a few session I really began to put things back into perspective. Don’t get me wrong now, I’m not there just yet and not sure if I will get “there.” But what I do know, is trying to identify what triggers these memories, some say flash backs, some call it trauma that creates specific emotions. It is not an easy task. It requires me to look and each event and understand why it’s being presented to my mind at that time and try and expose what caused it to surface. 


The dreams being as real as they are have been identify as my mind giving perspective of what that event would look like if played out. It was quite a relief to know that my thoughts and dreams were not abnormal. It can be a place, a smell, a person, a certain walk, a specific day, a birthday, a funeral, a sound, a song, a food, so many different variables that can trigger an event. On a side note, the therapist did expose that I didn’t have a plan to carry out my suggestive murder and that is a good thing. 


For now this is the plan of exposing and managing these memories. We have identified that my mental health is tied directly to my level of exhaustion. When I get exhausted, stressed, overwhelmed or feel out of control I start to egress back to a bad state mind. This has helped more than anything. So the plan right now is to keep identifying and not take on more than I can handle. Trigger’s are important and I believe we all have them just some worse than others. 


As of late I have had more joy, more peace and been enjoying life more, if you find yourself experiencing theses things don’t hesitate to seek help. Sometimes it takes a good friend, a great therapist and a wonderful wife to help put things into perspective. 

Saturday, January 2, 2021

Shoe Laces

 As I sit here trying to figure out which of the fifty or so stories I need to finish, I realize that none of them may ever be brought to life. The year 2020 seemed to silence both my time and creativeness. I guess you could say I got to caught up in all the politics and social media events that 2020 brought to us. 


Realizing this, here I am sitting peacefully on my front porch facing the most beautiful lake in the world. I’m pondering what to write. It’s so quite this time of year and the rain drops are ever so slow hitting the ground and making fun in the water. The wind is nowhere to be found and the temperature is close to 65 degrees, mind you this is January 2021. 


Peace instills my soul and a story is evolving in my mind about learning to tie shoes. What is this story that looms on the distance fog that covers the lake. It’s a simple story I think but applicable to us all.


Let’s unpack this from my thought barn. Well, not sure where to begin but at some point someone had to teach us how to tie our shoe laces. I have a very faint memory of someone teaching me how to tie mine. 


There was a repeated step by step process instructing me how to get this most complicated knot to work and how that would keep my shoes firmly in place on the soles of my feet. Each day I would say, “can you help me tie my shoes”, and each day I would get the same response, “I will be right there.” Whoever that was would come into my room and bend down in front of me and go through the same process as yesterday, cross the laces, make a bow, then make another bow, circle the lace and then pull tight. 


Day after day I got this but never fully understanding the process. The instructions were clear but my brain could not seem to grasp this simple process. Then one day as I called for help a lady came in and sat behind me, her arms reaching around me as to give me a big hug. She grabbed my hands and my shoe laces and said, “cross the laces, make a bow then another, wrap and then pull tight.” There it was as plain as day, my shoes were tied. I never had to ask for help again. 


So, there is something to say about that the way we are taught and how our brain see things. As I said early on, 2020 was a year to remember. I don’t believe it matters to what extent we learned things. We all learned. Fact or fiction, the stories kept coming last year. 


The comfort for me was the fact that learning from the Spirit of God is Him reaching around embracing me, showing me, teaching me that it’s going to be ok. It’s not what’s in front of me but who has me in His arms. So for 2021, lean more into God’s arms, trust His hugs and His Word not what’s in front you, be it television, social media, friends or even family. 

Tuesday, July 9, 2019

THE IMPERFECT MOVE

Our lives seem so perfect. We love the idea that our lives are so perfect. Our lives are perfect, right? 

It seems that this is the norm for our social culture, to be perfect, to be at the top and to be better than any of our friends and family. 

I was helping some friends move recently and we got to the big stuff. The couch had not been moved in years. It was a very large leather couch and was more than eight feet long. So far in this move everything seemed perfect, the clothes, the toys, the tables were all like new and clean. All this seemed to be indicative to how their lives were, perfect. 

Getting back to this very large couch we had to move. We had to pull the bottom cushions off the couch in order to make it lighter and more manageable as we had to turn it over to get it out the door. 

The perfect family, the perfect house and the perfect life seemly had some issues. As we peeled off the couch cushions their was so much trash, so much dirt and so much imperfection that the home owner quickly grabbed a hand held vacuum and proceeded to clean this dirt and trash from the couch, I was stunned that this was taking place right before our eyes. This seemingly perfect family was cleaning their dirt right in front of me. As if, I didn’t see them. 

To be quite honest with you I knew this family was like that, a portrait of perfection as I call them. If you were to see them you would think, “perfection”. If you look at their social media pages they would speak volumes of perfection, they would tell you they are living the perfect life and have nothing but perfect children, perfect cloths, perfect cars and perfect stuff. They are the best. A perfect family with no dirt and no trash! 

I discovered years ago we all have dirt and trash under our cushions. Go to any house in the world and you will find dirt, old stuff and trash under their couch cushions. 

We all do! So, why do we try to hide our imperfections? Why hasn’t this beautiful family figured this out? 

Could it be that the strive to be perfect has alluded them to be just that. Perfection had blinded them to their real state of being, imperfect. Blinded by pursuit of perfection. 

I believe that the strive to portray our perfect lives only leads us to lift our cushions and look at what a mess we really are. We are a mess and only by God’s grace are we who we are, just a human who is a follower of Jesus. A follower who is ok with their mess and ok with their dirt. 


A follower who knows their mess is their message and never needs to be hidden under a couch cushion. So, the next time you are helping someone move, look under their couch cushion, then look at the person. Does their life match their dirt? 

Friday, March 24, 2017

God, Are You There?
By George Beasley

“Hey Mike, you there?” I whispered.

“Yes, George,” the small voice always answered, “I’m here.” I can’t tell you how much comfort and peace his voice and words brought me in a time of great trouble. 

Being locked in a closet for what seemed to be days was something that was normal for me, and my brother Mike. Each day my mother would drop us off at the day care. After she left, the day care person would smile at us and without question tell us to get into that closet. 

It was so dark and lonely in there. I would go to my corner and pull my knees in tight to my chest and lay my head into my legs. My brother would go to the other side of the closet and sit there with his legs crossed. I could see this right before the door closed, right before the darkness set in.

Each day I would ask that same question, “Mike, are you there.” And he would always respond in his reassuring voice, “Yes, George I am here.” He never asked if I was there, he seemed to be a great deal stronger than me. Perhaps he had been through this darkness before and was now here for me. 

What comfort and assurance I received from Mike’s voice. It was so close. Not many words were spoken, but what was spoken was enough. Mike was there with me in the darkness. That alone gave me the strength to get through each day.

This memory is a recent one for me. It just arrived a few months ago. Having suffered years of abuse in my childhood, memories like these often surface one by one without warning. Why has it come back to me now? 

Over the past few months, I have been reading the Gospel of John. John 6:16-21 caught my attention: That evening Jesus’ disciples went down to the shore to wait for him. But as darkness fell and Jesus still hadn’t come back, they got into the boat and headed across the lake toward Capernaum. Soon a gale swept down upon them, and the sea grew very rough. They had rowed three or four miles when suddenly they saw Jesus walking on the water toward the boat. They were terrified, but he called out to them, “Don’t be afraid. I am here!” Then they were eager to let him in the boat, and immediately they arrived at their destination! (NLT)

Have you ever found yourself overcome with fear? Have you ever encountered such darkness and waves that you’ve cried out, “God, are you there?” 

I’m in that place now. No, it’s not the closet of my youth, but it sure feels like it as my wife, my sweet Lisa, faces the darkness of cancer. She hadn’t been feeling well for quite some time. After many doctor visits, we found ourselves sitting in front of an oncologist. Not a place we ever thought we would be. I’m still a bit numb as I write this now. 

Cancer is never a word you expect to hear. As soon as it was spoken, Lisa and I felt darkness closing in all around us. Crushing our hands together, we silently asked, “God, are you there? Did you hear these results? It’s cancer, God. Cancer!?” 

His answer at first seemed a bit foggy. As a believer I know that yes, of course He is here. But at times I still find myself fighting the darkness and asking why? Why God? Why does it seem that we have to go through one dark closet right after another? How much can we take? 

The release of the memory of my sitting in that closet, dark and lonely for so many days I now understand is for today. It’s a memory God has allowed to surface to bring me, and perhaps you, to a place of peace and comfort. To remind us both that in our dark times we are not alone. He is there with us, never abandoning us, never forsaking us. Always giving us the strength to make it through. Hold on to that hope, to that truth, and let it be your strength and comfort in your dark time. 

It hasn’t been easy, but Lisa and I are finding that place of peace in the darkness as we look to the light of our Savior. Yes, God is with us, and it’s going to be okay no matter the outcome. God is stronger than cancer. He is brighter than the darkest night. He is the healer and the redeemer of life. And He will see us through this dark season, and the next. 

“God, are You here?” 


“Yes, I’m here, George. Don’t be afraid.”

Friday, October 7, 2016

All By Myself

All By Myself 
by George W. Beasley

Life was once full of gloom. There was no hope and no promise of tomorrow, nothing but darkness. It was a very sad time and I felt all by myself. There have been many of these seasons in my life. I have often asked God, why? 

The darkness has been so great at times that life itself seemed to have no value, and to be completely honest I didn't want to go on. I had many friends around me, yet it seemed they were silent even as they spoke. Their words, although rich in understanding and wisdom, couldn’t penetrate my lonely heart. Their hugs, tender in touch, couldn’t waken my soul. Even the voice of my loving wife couldn’t soothe the emptiness inside. I felt all by myself.

I can’t explain these dark seasons other than to say that they are paralyzing. I have asked God numerous times to take my life, but He hasn’t. And I’m thankful. 

During every dark season I wonder if I will ever return to a place of joy and a sound mind. Life seems hopeless, and I cry out to God as the Psalmist David did during his times of loneliness: Turn to me and have mercy, for I am alone and in deep distress. My problems go from bad to worse. Oh, save me from them all! Psalm 25:15-17 (NLT) 

Perhaps you’ve been in this place I am describing. It’s real. Too many people know it and many lose their lives there. I lost a dear friend there last summer. He could not overcome the voices, and the screams of death and destruction, and in the end he took his own life and the life of his wife. 

Even if you haven’t reached this low of a point in your life, everyone has at one time or another felt completely alone. Often, people attempt to mask their loneliness. Some cover it with activities, relationships, attitudes, fashion, beauty, or perhaps even religion. Others numb it with substances, food, or sex… to no avail. 

What’s one to do when seasons of loneliness and despair come? How can one find relief from such pain?

Cry out! 

Cry out to the One who truly understands the depth of your pain. Cry out to the One who is able to penetrate the barrier of your loneliness, fill your empty heart, and rescue your weary soul. Cry out to Jesus. 

When you do, God Himself thunders down from Heaven, bringing with Him light, hope, and life. In His great mercy and grace, He will rescue you from the pit of depression and bring life to your weary soul. He did it for me. His voice broke through my fear; it unyoked me from my guilt and shame. He did it for David. (Read Psalms 18:4-19) And He will do the same for you!

Friend, God has no favorites. What He does for one of His children, He will do for another. Don’t give up on life, no matter how alone you feel. Cry out to God. He will answer you and come to your rescue. Give Him your loneliness and darkness. He will take it and make a beautiful exchange. “You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever! (Psalm 30:11-12)


Psalms 18:4-19
The ropes of death entangled me;
floods of destruction swept over me.
The grave wrapped its ropes around me;
death laid a trap in my path.
But in my distress I cried out to the Lord;
yes, I prayed to my God for help.
He heard me from his sanctuary;
my cry to him reached his ears…
The Lord thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded
amid the hail and burning coals….
He reached down from heaven and rescued me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemies,
from those who hated me and were too strong for me.
They attacked me at a moment when I was in distress,
but the Lord supported me.
He led me to a place of safety;
he rescued me because he delights in me.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Waging War by George W. Beasley

No matter what version of the Bible you are reading this passage remains constant in it’s message to followers of Jesus. There is a war and it’s waged against us. 

Revelation 12New Living Translation (NLT)
The Woman and the Dragon

15 Then the dragon tried to drown the woman with a flood of water that flowed from his mouth. 16 But the earth helped her by opening its mouth and swallowing the river that gushed out from the mouth of the dragon. 17 And the dragon was angry at the woman and declared war against the rest of her children—all who keep God’s commandments and maintain their testimony for Jesus.
18 Then the dragon took his stand on the shore beside the sea.

You might think that everything is ok. But, think again. The people we see everyday, the people we meet every day and the people we love everyday are in a battle. For the most part they don't even realize it. They smile, they laugh and they look as though life is good. Even writing this story has had it’s difficulties. I’ve had some strange dreams lately. I’ve been on edge and fighting to find time to write these few words about the enemy waging war against us.    

In war you don't show your weakness, you don't show your struggles. In war you survive. The passage is clear that the enemy is angry and has declared war on all of us who maintain our testimony for Jesus. 

One thing we must remember that we all are jacked up and are a complete mess. We can’t buy into the lie that maintaining our testimony for Jesus means we are perfect. We are not! Standing with our commander “Jesus” is our testimony. No matter where you are right now and what you've done Jesus loves you and is fighting the war with you and for you. He wants you to win! Drop the mask and the unreality and ask your friends for help in this war. Do it together!

Don’t give up! You are close to the victory. The battle is most difficult near the end but let me assure you, you will win. It doesn't even matter if you fall during the battle, our commander, Jesus will pick you up. He will pull you out of that pit, He will stand you on your feet and give you strength to move forward. Jesus loves you!

Think about where you are in life right now. Did you ever think, you would end up here? I never thought this would happen to me? Hell no you didn’t. That’s the war that is raging around you and in your life. It’s a war! Wake up!

So, what’s next? After every battle there is a time of relax, a time of peace. Enjoy those times as the war will continue. Note verse eighteen, the dragon took his stand on the shore beside the sea. The enemy stands but so do we. Get up and fight! 

You might have been knocked down, beat up, broke, busted and disgusted but you are still alive. That means one thing, you are still in the battle, you're not out!  You as a believer already have the victory so claim that. Fight for what you know is true and fight with all your might. 


Stand strong for those that will come after you. They will need you!

Friday, September 18, 2015

Blind Silence

Blind Silence
by George W. Beasley

Silence is deaf in the mist of great storms
All you can hear is the rumble of thunder
The voices scream death 
Your will to live is disappearing 

Where am I
Who can hear me
It’s dark in the silence

Invisible when so many are looking
All I can see is darkness
They see but they won’t help me

Where am I
Who can see me
It’s dark being unseen

There is one who can hear
There is one who can see

Where is He
He is here
What is His Name

Jesus, The Son of God
Your Redeemer 
Your Savior

He loves you
Can you see

He loves you 
Can you hear


Yes! 

Perspective

  At almost 60 years old I thought I would be experiencing peace, joy, happiness, love and all the other great things in life. These things ...