Perspective

At almost sixty years of age, I thought I would be experiencing peace, joy, happiness, love and all the other exceptional things life has to offer. I have experienced these things in the past. However, over the past two years, terror has invaded my soul and my mind and has brought me many sleepless nights and thoughts of death. Trauma from early childhood abuse has resurfaced with a vengeance and is desperate to take over my mind and put my soul to rest for good.

The memories are so intrusive that they materialize at any moment; the pain is real, and the experiences are like fresh wounds. I can feel the emotional pain and the hits; my head jars and my body moves with motions of the torture. It was more than a hit to the head or gut and getting up off the floor just to be there again. Sometimes I would lay on the floor and act as if I couldn’t stand up; that would often come with a kick to the head or stomach, but it wasn’t worth it to be knocked down again. Seeing those legs and shoes turn in a different direction and walk away was a relief. I would tell myself, “It’s over for now.”

So, why am I sharing this with you? Writing about my past brings my memories to life and out in the open; they have been in hiding for so many years. I’ve referred to my past as an “invisible soul.” Trauma can drive you and kill you if you let it take over. I know it sounds a bit psychotic, but the reality is your memories can kill you. I know so many people who have let their past destroy them. I’ve been thinking a great deal about them lately.

I had a nightmare a few weeks ago that I sat on the end of the bed with a gun in my hand. I found it hard not to pull the trigger. It was so real; I was out of my body, watching the event unfold. I could see myself walking toward the gun and then holding the gun in my hand. I stared at it and wondered what it was. Was my life about to end? After waking up, I was asking myself, “Was that real?” I even looked for the gun to make sure I hadn’t moved it. Thankfully, I hadn’t. My sweet Lisa has since moved the gun.

As the flashbacks and thoughts of harming myself got worse, I sought help! I just happened to have a friend who is a wonderful therapist. She agreed to see me, and Lisa went along with me; after thirty-seven years of marriage, we are in this together! I had shared my struggles with Lisa before seeking help. She was in agreement that we needed to meet with a therapist.

The first session was not weird at all because I knew my therapist and had often joked with her that I was in need of a “session.” We sat down and her first question was, ”When was the last time you were in therapy?” She already knew some of my story but not to the depths that she would soon learn. I told her it had been more than forty years since my last session. At that point, I shared with her the trauma I had been facing lately. I told her, “It seems that I’m not getting through this, and I’m not sure if I will.” “Tell me more about what’s going on, George,” she said. These words echoed in my soul as I had not heard that question in more than forty years.

After a few sessions, I began to put things back into perspective. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not there yet, and I’m not sure if I will get “there.” But what I do know is that I have to identify what triggers these memories/flashbacks and how they create specific emotions. It is not an easy task. It requires me to look at each memory, understand why it’s being presented to my mind at that time, and try and expose what caused it to surface.

The dreams were lifelike to give my mind the perspective of what that event would look like if it played out. It was quite a relief to know that my thoughts and dreams were not abnormal. My triggers could be a place, smell, person, certain walk, specific day, funeral, sound, song, or food. On a side note, the therapist did expose that I didn’t have a plan to carry out my suggestive murder, and that is a good thing!

For now, this is the plan of exposing and managing these memories. We have identified that my mental health is tied directly to my level of exhaustion. When I am tired, stressed, overwhelmed, or feel out of control, I start to regress back to an unhealthy state of mind. This knowledge has helped me tremendously. So, the plan right now is to keep identifying the trauma and not take on more than I can handle. Triggers are important, and I believe we all have them—some worse than others.

As of late, I have more joy and peace and have been enjoying my life. If you find yourself experiencing disturbing thoughts and dreams from past traumas, please seek help. Sometimes it takes a good friend, an experienced therapist, and a wonderful wife to help put things into perspective.

www.sandwestedit.com

Shoelaces

 Shoelaces

As I sit here contemplating which of my fifty stories I need to finish, I realize none of them may ever be brought to life. The year 2020 silenced both my time and creativity. I guess you could say I got caught up in the politics and social media events that 2020 presented to us.

I’m acknowledging this as I sit peacefully on my front porch, facing the most beautiful lake in the world. I’m pondering what to write. It’s so quiet this time of year, and the raindrops are hitting the ground slowly and making fun in the water. The wind is nowhere to be found, and the temperature is close to sixty-five degrees—mind you, this is January 2021.

Peace instills my soul, and a story is developing in my mind about learning to tie my shoes. What is this story that looms in the distant fog that covers the lake? It’s a simple story but applicable to us all.

Let’s unpack this from my thought barn. At some point, someone had to teach us how to tie our shoelaces. I have a faint memory of someone teaching me how to tie mine.

There was a repeated step-by-step process instructing me how to tie a complicated knot to keep my shoes firmly in place on the soles of my feet. Each day I would say, “Can you help me tie my shoes?” Each day I would hear the same response, “I will be right there.” Then an individual would enter my room, bend down in front of me, and go through the same process as the previous day. Cross the laces, make a bow, then make another bow, circle the lace, and then pull tight.

Day after day, I received the same directions, but I never fully understood the process. The instructions were clear, but my brain could not grasp the simple technique. Then one day when I called for help, a lady came in, sat behind me, and reached her arms around me as to give me a big hug. She grabbed my hands and my shoelaces and said, “Cross the laces, make a bow, then make another bow, wrap, and then pull tight.” There it was, as plain as day; I tied my shoes. I never had to ask for help again.

There is something fascinating about the way we are taught and how our brain sees things. As I mentioned early on, 2020 was a year to remember. I don’t believe it matters to what extent we learned things. We all grew in some way. Fact or fiction, the stories kept coming last year.

Learning from the Spirit of God is about Him reaching around to embrace me, teaching me His way of doing things, and showing me it’s going to be okay. It’s not what’s in front of me but who has me in His arms. So, for 2021, lean more into God’s arms, trust His hugs and His Word, not what’s in front of you (e.g., television, social media, friends, or even family). 

www.sandwestedit.com

THE IMPERFECT MOVE

THE IMPERFECT MOVE

To an outsider, our lives seem so perfect. We love the idea of creating the perfect life. Our lives are perfect, right? 

The norm in our social culture is to appear perfect in front of our peers. We want to be at the top and to be better than any of our friends and family.

I was helping some friends move recently, and when we were ready to load the big stuff, we realized their couch had not been moved in years. It was a rather large leather couch and was more than eight-feet-long. So far in this move, everything seemed perfect—the clothes, toys, and tables were all like new and clean. All this seemed to be indicative of how their lives seemed—perfect.

We had to pull the bottom cushions off the couch to make it lighter and more manageable, and we had to turn it over to get it out the door. 

Turns out, the perfect family, the perfect house, and the perfect life had some hidden issues. As we peeled off the couch cushions, there was so much trash and dirt that the homeowner quickly grabbed a handheld vacuum and proceeded to clean this dirt and trash from the couch. I was stunned that this was taking place right before our eyes. This seemingly flawless family was cleaning their dirt right in front of me, as if I didn’t see them. 

To be honest with you, I knew this family was like that, a portrait of perfection as I call them. If you were to see them you would think, “perfection.” If you look at their social media pages, they speak volumes of perfection; they would tell you they are living the ideal life and have nothing but perfect children, perfect clothes, perfect cars, and perfect stuff. They are the best. A perfect family with no dirt and no trash! 

I discovered years ago we all have dirt and trash under our cushions. Go to any house in the world, and you will find dirt, old stuff, and trash under their couch cushions.

We all do! So, why do we try to hide our imperfections? Why hasn’t this beautiful family figured this out?

Could it be that striving to be perfect has blinded them to their real state of being—imperfection? Blinded by the pursuit of perfection. 

I believe striving to portray our lives as perfect only leads us to lift our cushions and look at what a mess we really are. We are a mess, and it’s only by God’s grace we are made righteous as followers of Jesus. Followers who are okay with our messes and comfortable with our dirt.

May we strive to be followers who acknowledge that our mess is our message and never needs to be hidden under a couch cushion. So, the next time you are helping friends move, look under their couch cushions, and then look at the people. Does their life match their dirt? 

www.sandwestedit.com

God, Are You There?

God, Are You There?

“Hey, Mike, you there?” I whispered.

“Yes, George,” the small voice always answered. “I’m here.” I can’t tell you how much comfort and peace his voice and words brought me in a time of great trouble. 

Being locked in a closet for what seemed like days was normal for me and my brother, Mike. Each day, my mother would drop us off at daycare. After she left, the daycare person would smile at us and immediately tell us to get into that closet. 

It was so dark and lonely in there. I would proceed to my corner, pull my knees in tight to my chest, and lay my head onto my legs. My brother would go to the other side of the closet and sit there with his legs crossed. I could see him right before the door closed, right before the darkness set in.

Each day, I would ask that same question. “Mike, are you there?” And he would always respond in his reassuring voice. “Yes, George. I am here.” He never asked if I was there; he seemed to be a great deal stronger than me. Perhaps he had been through this darkness before and wanted to support me through it. 

I received tremendous comfort and assurance from Mike’s voice. It was so close. Not many words were spoken, but the words he spoke were enough. Mike was there with me in the darkness. His presence gave me the strength to get through each day.

This memory is a recent one for me. It just arrived a few months ago. Having suffered years of abuse in my childhood, memories like these often surface one by one without warning. Why has it come back to me now?

Over the past few months, I have been reading the Gospel of John. John 6:16-21 caught my attention: “That evening Jesus’ disciples went down to the shore to wait for him. But as darkness fell and Jesus still hadn’t come back, they got into the boat and headed across the lake toward Capernaum. Soon a gale swept down upon them, and the sea grew very rough. They had rowed three or four miles when suddenly they saw Jesus walking on the water toward the boat. They were terrified, but he called out to them, ‘Don’t be afraid. I am here!’ Then they were eager to let him in the boat, and immediately they arrived at their destination!” (NLT).

Have you ever found yourself overcome with fear? Have you ever encountered such darkness and waves that you’ve cried out, “God, are you there?”

I’m in that place now. No, it’s not the closet of my youth, but it sure feels like it as my wife, my sweet Lisa, faces the darkness of cancer. She hadn’t been feeling well for quite some time. After many doctor visits, we found ourselves sitting in front of an oncologist. Not a place we ever thought we would be. I’m still a bit numb as I write this now.

Cancer is never a word you expect to hear. As soon as it was spoken, Lisa and I felt darkness closing in all around us. Crushing our hands together, we silently asked, “God, are you there? Did you hear these results? It’s cancer, God. Cancer!”

At first, His answer seemed a bit foggy. As a believer, I know that He has promised He will never leave me. But at times, I still find myself fighting the darkness and asking, “Why God? Why does it seem that we have to go through one dark closet right after another? How much can we take?”

I now understand that remembering the darkness and loneliness I felt inside the closet at daycare is important for my present circumstance. It’s a memory God has allowed to surface to bring me, and perhaps you, to a place of peace and comfort. To remind us that, in our dark times, we are not alone. He is there with us—never abandoning us and never forsaking us. Always giving us the strength to make it through. Hold on to that hope and truth and let it be your strength and comfort in your dark time.

It hasn’t been easy, but Lisa and I are finding that place of peace in the darkness as we look to the light of our Savior. Yes, God is with us, and it’s going to be okay, no matter the outcome. God is stronger than cancer. He is brighter than the darkest night. He is the healer and the redeemer of life. And He will see us through this dark season and the next.

“God, are You there?”

“Yes, I’m here, George. Don’t be afraid.”

www.sandwestedit.com

All By Myself

All By Myself 

by George W. Beasley

Life was once full of gloom. There was no hope and no promise of tomorrow, nothing but darkness. It was a very sad time and I felt all by myself. There have been many of these seasons in my life. I have often asked God, why? 

The darkness has been so great at times that life itself seemed to have no value, and to be completely honest I didn't want to go on. I had many friends around me, yet it seemed they were silent even as they spoke. Their words, although rich in understanding and wisdom, couldn’t penetrate my lonely heart. Their hugs, tender in touch, couldn’t waken my soul. Even the voice of my loving wife couldn’t soothe the emptiness inside. I felt all by myself.

I can’t explain these dark seasons other than to say that they are paralyzing. I have asked God numerous times to take my life, but He hasn’t. And I’m thankful. 

During every dark season I wonder if I will ever return to a place of joy and a sound mind. Life seems hopeless, and I cry out to God as the Psalmist David did during his times of loneliness: Turn to me and have mercy, for I am alone and in deep distress. My problems go from bad to worse. Oh, save me from them all! Psalm 25:15-17 (NLT) 

Perhaps you’ve been in this place I am describing. It’s real. Too many people know it and many lose their lives there. I lost a dear friend there last summer. He could not overcome the voices, and the screams of death and destruction, and in the end he took his own life and the life of his wife. 

Even if you haven’t reached this low of a point in your life, everyone has at one time or another felt completely alone. Often, people attempt to mask their loneliness. Some cover it with activities, relationships, attitudes, fashion, beauty, or perhaps even religion. Others numb it with substances, food, or sex… to no avail. 

What’s one to do when seasons of loneliness and despair come? How can one find relief from such pain?

Cry out! 

Cry out to the One who truly understands the depth of your pain. Cry out to the One who is able to penetrate the barrier of your loneliness, fill your empty heart, and rescue your weary soul. Cry out to Jesus. 

When you do, God Himself thunders down from Heaven, bringing with Him light, hope, and life. In His great mercy and grace, He will rescue you from the pit of depression and bring life to your weary soul. He did it for me. His voice broke through my fear; it unyoked me from my guilt and shame. He did it for David. (Read Psalms 18:4-19) And He will do the same for you!

Friend, God has no favorites. What He does for one of His children, He will do for another. Don’t give up on life, no matter how alone you feel. Cry out to God. He will answer you and come to your rescue. Give Him your loneliness and darkness. He will take it and make a beautiful exchange. “You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever! (Psalm 30:11-12)

Psalms 18:4-19

The ropes of death entangled me;
floods of destruction swept over me.

The grave wrapped its ropes around me;
death laid a trap in my path.

But in my distress I cried out to the Lord;
yes, I prayed to my God for help.

He heard me from his sanctuary;
my cry to him reached his ears…

The Lord thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded
amid the hail and burning coals….

He reached down from heaven and rescued me;
he drew me out of deep waters.

He rescued me from my powerful enemies,
from those who hated me and were too strong for me.

They attacked me at a moment when I was in distress,
but the Lord supported me.

He led me to a place of safety;
he rescued me because he delights in me.

www.sandwestedit.com

Waging War by George W. Beasley

No matter what version of the Bible you are reading, the following passage from Revelation remains constant in its message to followers of Jesus. There is a war, and it’s waged against us.

Revelation 12:15-18 (NLT)

The Woman and the Dragon

“Then the dragon tried to drown the woman with a flood of water that flowed from his mouth. But the earth helped her by opening its mouth and swallowing the river that gushed out from the mouth of the dragon. And the dragon was angry at the woman and declared war against the rest of her children—all who keep God’s commandments and maintain their testimony for Jesus. Then the dragon took his stand on the shore beside the sea.”

You might think that everything is okay. But think again. The people we see every day, the people we meet every day, and the people we love every day are in a battle. For the most part, they don't even realize it. They smile, they laugh, and they look as though life is good. Even writing this story has had its difficulties. I’ve had some strange dreams lately. I’ve been on edge and fighting to find time to write these few words about the enemy waging war against us.

In war, you don't show your weakness or your struggles. In war, you survive. The passage is clear that the enemy is angry and has declared war on all of us who maintain our testimony for Jesus.

We must remember that, as humans, we are jacked up and a complete mess. We can’t buy into the lie that maintaining our testimony for Jesus means we are perfect. We are not! Standing with our commander, Jesus, is our testimony. No matter where you are right now and what you've done, Jesus loves you and is fighting the war with you and for you. He wants you to win! Drop the façade and ask your friends for help in this war. Do it together!

Don’t give up! You are close to the victory. The battle is most difficult near the end, but let me assure you, you will win. It doesn't even matter if you fall during the battle. Our commander, Jesus, will pick you up. He will pull you out of that pit, stand you on your feet, and give you strength to move forward. Jesus loves you!

Think about where you are in life right now. Did you ever think you would end up there? I never thought this would happen to me. Hell no, you didn’t. That’s the war that is raging around you and in your life. It’s a war! Wake up!

So, what’s next? After every battle, there is a time of relaxation, a time of peace. Enjoy those times as the war will continue. Note verse eighteen, “Then the dragon took his stand on the shore beside the sea.” The enemy stands, but so do we. Get up and fight!

You might have been knocked down, beaten up, broken, busted, and disgusted, but you are still alive. That means one thing—you are still in the battle, and you're not out! As a believer, you already have the victory, so claim that. Fight for what you know is true and fight with all your might.

Stand strong for those who will come after you. They will need you!

www.sandwestedit.com

Blind Silence

Friday, September 18, 2015

Blind Silence

by George W. Beasley

Silence is deaf in the mist of great storms.

All you can hear is the rumble of thunder.

The voices scream death. 

Your will to live is disappearing. 

Where am I?

Who can hear me?

It’s dark in the silence.

Invisible, when so many are looking.

All I can see is darkness.

They see, but they won’t help me.

Where am I?

Who can see me?

It’s dark being unseen.

There is one who can hear;

There is one who can see.

Where is He?

He is here.

What is His Name?

Jesus, The Son of God,

Your Redeemer, 

Your Savior.

He loves you.

Can you see?

He loves you. 

Can you hear?

Yes! 

www.sandwestedit.com