WORDS
In this story, I think it’s necessary to defend and define my addiction. That’s not the purpose of the story, but it would help you read it more clearly without wondering who and what I am talking about.
Addiction and obsession carry a heavy stigma. I’m not concerned with what you might think of me—this isn’t about you. However, obsession and addiction affect numerous people, and their impact on me is real.
My goal in this story is to take you behind the scenes into a time of addiction and obsession, showing how these two terms are alike but ultimately distinct. It’s almost like a game of tag within your entire being.
Now, that being said, is this story fiction or non-fiction? Please don’t over-interpret. The true addict and/or the truly obsessed knows only by living it. I believe every human has an addiction and obsession one in the same to some degree.
Defined:
Obsession: According to the Psychology Dictionary, fixation refers to a persistent attachment to an object or idea, often resistant to attempts to modify it. Psychology Tips explains that obsessive love is an overwhelming desire to possess another person, highlighting the depth of emotional attachment involved.
Addiction: Defined by psychology professionals, addition is a neuropsychological disorder characterized by a persistent and intense urge to use a drug or engage in a behavior that produces a natural reward, despite substantial harm and other negative consequences (Wikipedia).
So, which is it? An obsession or an addiction? Let’s go inside the head of an addict and/or one who is obsessed. It’s so dark in here, but light when looking out. There is beauty in this place, but darkness covers everything. You can’t see it, but it’s real. You can’t hear it, but it controls your every move. You don’t even know what’s going on in here. We are just living and thinking everything is great, and we are doing okay.
My addiction is my obsession. I am addicted to weaving words together and obsessed with creating a story that will make a difference in humanity. These stories release some type of intoxicating drug in my mind that brings me a great peace and harmony in my soul that surpasses any drug or drink I’ve ever had. You may be thinking that my addiction is a wonderful and admirable one to have. I will beg to differ because it takes up twenty hours a day of my mind and has no boundaries of ideas. It’s all consuming and forever looking for the next sentence and the next word for the story.
I’ve asked God to take my sight so many times, but ultimately, that would lead me to be trapped in my mind with memories of a lifetime to write about.
I’m an addict and one who is obsessed with my addiction. I know that statement may not make any physiological sense, but this is true. The definitions mentioned earlier suggest that one is some type of disorder that seeks to engage in behavior that has negative consequences, and the other suggests that there is a preoccupation of the mind that eventually will cause a negative effect on my life.
The problem is that in our society, we love to label everything. We live to label and identify the invisible and what we really don’t understand. We include a label to identify these invisible entities and then think we can understand them and draw some type of conclusion about them.
I want to take you on a journey in my life for the day. I want you to understand how this obsession with my addiction impacts me and those who are involved in my life.
Here we go. Waking up at two or three in the morning, listening to that voice in my head. Yes, there is a voice that is speaking to me, but unfortunately, I am the only one who hears it. It is speaking ever so softly of what the day ahead is going to look like. What and how are we going to feed this addiction, and how is the obsession going to help us complete our goal?
If you haven’t noticed by now, there are more than one in this psychological warfare. Here is the problem: we don’t know we have a problem.
I try to go back to sleep, and sometimes I am successful. I feel the best in the morning when I go back to sleep. Either way, the day goes on. Waking up early, I roll out of the bed, and before I can even see the sunlight, obsession is speaking and addiction is driving me into the place I may or may not want to be. It’s a slow and dark place at times; so many emotions and tears are in this place. Sometimes I want to go and sometimes I fight it. Today, I choose to fight! I know I won’t win, but I still tell myself it will be different.
Time is so valuable here. I do everything I can do to convince myself otherwise. The morning proceeds either with or without me; time doesn’t care about me. It goes on. I am trying to process these emotions that I know will hit hard, and I wonder if I will be able to connect with time and with those who care about me today. Will I be able to see these words come to life? Will I be able to put together a full sentence? It’s already noon, and the voices of my addiction and the obsession I have are screaming at me now.
Will I give in? Of course, I will. I’m an addict, and I am obsessed with this addiction. I am who the liar says I am. I have given into the lie of who I am and the reality of how we perceive ourselves. This brings great sadness to my soul because I know I am better than this. I know I am not the lie that is now my reality. Good or bad, an addict is an addict, and we are obsessed with that.
As I move into the evening, the struggle becomes more intense. By now I have worked all day to get to this place. It’s either a place of release, peace, solace, grace, mercy, and love, or a place of darkness, sad emotions, confusion, and a constant fight within my mind. This battle is so real that only death can truly separate me from my internal struggle.
Finally, I sit, and it all comes out. Even when I don’t see it, it comes out; the words turn to light, the page turns, and the words come to life. There seems to be a real pull-down heaven screen working in the background. The broken come to life in this moment. I come to life in this moment! The life of addiction and obsession is where you go, I will go, and what you say, I will say.
The life of an addict is one obsessed with a lie; it’s the life of all of us who struggle every day with who we are and what we are doing. Are we all one and the same? Our identity is the lie that we have adopted. Which do we choose on any given day? The lie or the reality? Is it a lie? Where you go I go, what you say I say.
Are we the depressed, the junkie, the fake influencer, the one step from ending it all, the downtrodden, the poor, and the helpless, or are we who God says we are? God, who chased down our hearts, despite all of our failures, and gave us life? A life of purpose, a life of joy, and a life of addiction and obsession with Him! Once lost but now found; I’m not so certain.
We are designed by God to be obsessed and addicted to something. Yes, He designed us to be that way! Like it or not, that is who we are. This world has so many varieties of lies and realities. So many addictions and so many things to bring obsessions to us. Which do we choose? Are we broken into pieces or do we think we are all together?
I fall short so many times, even in my own writings. I am obsessed and addicted to my own words as they come to life on these pages, constantly thinking about what I am going to put on paper today. What is next and how is that next sentence going to make a difference? I struggle to put my God in the front of all my words. I may win this time, but I know I will fail and that’s okay. There is a sea of mercy and grace that covers EVERYTHING!
We all struggle with these obsessive addictions; there is so much noise in this world and some noise is louder than others. With that said, some addictions are stronger, and the obsessions take the lives of those in the hardest struggle. I have so many friends who didn’t make it. Their addiction and obsession took them. I believe it wasn’t their choice but the lie that they believed. Those of us now in the struggle need to be a voice to those who are still alive.
No matter what your addiction and obsession is, there is always hope. Let Hope Rise in humanity—we will make it! There are those that can testify far greater than me to this Glory!
We are designed to be obsessed and addicted to Jesus! I wish it was that easy! It’s the scandal of grace so that my soul will live. You are my addiction and obsession forever, and my hope is in you, Jesus!
We live and write for those who don’t know yet.
